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Making the decision to place your loved ones in assisted living can be difficult, especially when you’re met with stubborn parents. At Surpass Senior Living we understand it can be a sensitive and challenging issue to discuss. Even though senior living communities are here to help your loved ones and assist them in their daily routines, convincing them may be harder than you would like. These 8 tips are a great resource to get started.

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If you’re struggling with aging parents who refuse help, you’re far from alone: A whopping 77% of adult children believe their parents are stubborn about taking their advice or getting help with daily tasks, according to a study by researchers at Penn State University. Fortunately, the situation isn’t hopeless.

How do you get your aging parents to listen to you?

Mary Heitger-Marek, a 50-year-old program analyst from Annapolis, Maryland, like many of us, is asking this question daily. “I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my husband and I have suggested options to improve my parents’ quality of life, and they’ve turned us down,” she says.

“I feel like we could open a senior care business because of all the programs, aid and other things we’ve looked into for them.”

Unfortunately, Mary’s feelings are not uncommon when caring for aging parents. Aging care and health professionals recommend the following steps to relieve the resentment and anxiety that can accompany caring for aging parents and loved ones:

1. Try to understand the motivation behind their behavior

Aging is a difficult process for virtually everyone. Many older adults are living with dementia or mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. Taking time to understand how your parents might be feeling can help you communicate with them better.

“Realizing that your parents’ autonomy is important to them can be beneficial as well,” says social worker Suzanne Modigliani, a Massachusetts-based aging life care specialist who works with families to solve elder care problems. She suggests asking yourself some key questions about your loved ones’ behavior:

• Are they acting this way out of habit?
• To assert independence?
• Due to depression?
• Because they’re confused or have dementia?
• What are they afraid of?
• Identifying the root cause, or causes, of your parents’ behavior can help you identify the best way to make positive changes.

2. Accept the situation

While you might wish you could control your elderly parents for their own good, the reality is you can’t force them to do anything. Modigliani asserts, “[Your parents] are adults with the right to make decisions — even poor ones.”

Accepting this fact — as hard as it is — can help lower your stress and even improve your relationship with your mother and/or father.

3. Choose your battles

People don’t respond well to nagging, real or perceived. In the long run, it might help your case to stop insisting your parents update their phones, join a fitness class or complete other beneficial, but nonessential, tasks.

Instead, decide what issues are the most important and focus on them — at least initially. Matters involving your parents’ safety, for instance, should take top priority.

But remember, they’re much more likely to take your concerns seriously if you don’t bombard them with several at once, no matter how valid they may be.

4. Don’t beat yourself up

Even professional family mediator Roseann Vanella of Marlton, N.J., has found little success in dealing with elderly parents. Her father has dementia, and her mother has a rare blood
disorder. Still, her mother insisted on taking her husband to Sicily on vacation.

“I can’t stop you, so at least get medical jet insurance,” Vanella said. Her mother said she would.

Soon after arriving in Italy, her mother’s disease flared up: she needed a blood transfusion — at home. Vanella’s mother admitted she never purchased insurance, and Vanella and her brother were on the next plane to Italy.

“After that, I said, ‘She’s never going to take him to Europe,’ but she did,” Vanella says. “I told her how bad it was for my dad since his dementia had progressed.”

Again, Vanella had to fly to Italy and bring her parents back. “The hardest part is knowing something could have been averted, especially in terms of my dad’s dementia, but wasn’t,” she notes.

“My advice is not to hit your head against the wall too hard. There isn’t a lot we can do sometimes but stand by, watch closely, and be able to jump in when needed.”

5. Treat your aging parents like adults

While it may feel as if you and your parents have switched roles at times, they’re still your parents, and want to be treated with respect. “Avoid infantilizing your parents,” said Dr. Robert Kane, former director of the Center on Aging at the University of Minnesota, and author of The Good Caregiver in 2015.

“Dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. Older people should be autonomous,” he says.

“When parents are behaving irrationally, it can be tempting to threaten to move them to a nursing home against their will, or insist you know what’s best. But these tactics will only drive a wedge between you and your parents.”

When it comes to dealing with aging parents, remember this: Above all, the goal is to help your parents receive the best care possible.

You’re much more likely to get positive results by treating your aging parents like the adults that they are. This goes for simple tasks, such as helping your parents remember to take their medications, and harder tasks, like helping them get treatment for diabetes.

6. Ask them to do it for the kids (or grandkids)

If your mom isn’t willing to change her behavior for herself, maybe she will for a loved one. Kane’s mother quit smoking after his sister argued that her second-hand smoke was a risk to the grandchildren.

Another approach to dealing with aging parents is to be direct about how it affects you. Communicate your worries to your parent, and explain how your anxieties will be tempered if he or she follows your advice.

7. Find an outlet for your feelings

If you’re angry or resentful that your elderly parent refuses to move to a safer living situation or take their medication as directed, it’s important to vent — but not to your parents. Instead, confide in, or strategize with, a friend, sibling, therapist, online support group or senior living advisor.

This is especially important if you are the primary caregiver to your aging parents.

No matter how deeply you care about your mom and dad, it’s easy to become overwhelmed with frustration, fear and anxiety when constantly dealing with their irrational behavior. Guard against this by caring for yourself and finding activities to help release negative emotions.

8. Plan ahead — and talk about those plans

Even if your parent has not been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease or dementia, living with any kind of memory loss can be very difficult for seniors to deal with, or even acknowledge. Helping your aging parents remember important dates eases frustration for everyone.

Is there a family celebration they want to attend that’s coming up, such as an anniversary, graduation or wedding? Bring it up. Talk about it frequently. Share in the excitement together.

What do you do when an elderly parent refuses needed care?

Ironically, you should listen.

By paying attention to your aging parents’ needs and heeding the advice of health professionals, you can make dealing with aging parents less stressful for everyone — even if Mom and Dad don’t always listen to you.

 

Source: Kim Acosta (Silver Lake)

 

 

Less Contact with Outside Healthcare Providers

Overall, assisted living and memory care facilities have had considerably fewer cases than alternative options such as nursing homes. When it comes to nursing homes and other long-term care nursing facilities, residents typically live with more complex health conditions. This type of care requires more outside healthcare providers, which increases the traffic and the chance for COVID cases. With assisted living, our residents require a level of care that our trained staff are able to handle themselves. With a more limited staff, we’re able to screen visitors easier and trace potential cases.

 

Increased Space for Activities and Social Distancing

Assisted Living often has fewer residents and more space than long-term care nursing facilities. Due to the increased distance between contact, residents are less likely to transmit the virus. In addition, residents also have more room to safely move around and participate in activities. As we navigate this situation, we are refining our policies and procedures to mitigate against COVID-19.

 

Personalized Care

Not only do assisted living communities generally have fewer residents, but they also have more manageable health issues. This enables our staff to have the time to provide more personalized care to each resident. Increased check-ups, safely transferring residents to activities, and creating an overall stronger bond with each other.

 

Staying The Course

The safety and comfort of your loved one remains our primary focus. With no end in-site, we are closely monitoring the situation and continuing to use our enhanced safety measures currently in place.

• Staff trained to identify COVID-19 symptoms and testing is completed on-site if any symptoms arise.
• Resident temperature checks 2x daily with additional screening.
• COVID testing completed before move-in.
• Employees screened before entering the community.
• Trained care staff on-site 24/7 to monitor health and wellness and provide direct care.
• We utilize advanced geofencing technology to prohibit entry by people who have been to places with active COVID-19.
• Dining Restrictions: Residents are able to either eat in the dining hall with 6 feet spacing or continue to eat in their apartments.
• Social Distancing: We are limiting engagements to small groups and in settings where 6 feet of distance between individuals can be maintained.